The Death of the Hobbits
by huskie
Summary: The hobbits of the Fellowship get picked off one by one! The tragic stories of each's death...*sob, sob*! Does anyone have a tissue? Includes the story of the author's death!
1. Merry

THE DEATH OF THE HOBBITS  
  
Okay, each chapter tells of a fellowship member's FAKE death! FAKE FAKE FAKE. This is all from the depths of my twisted imagination, not Tolkien's. More chapters will come as I get more stupid ideas. Please note, these deaths are not in chronological order and members of the fellowship are alive when they aren't supposed to be. Like they died, and then a few weeks later were interviewed about someone else's death. I'm weird like that. Eheh...read on...  
  
This ficcie is a partner in crime with Teal Huskie's fic located at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=563869.  
  
  
  
DIRE ... er ... SHIRE TIMES reports:  
  
  
ENTMOOT GETS UGLY: HOBBIT KILLED  
  
Yesterday a sad event took place in the forest of Fangorn - supposedly there was an outburst at an Entmoot and a hobbit suffered from it. Meriadoc Brandybuck saw the true workings of Ent's draught when a few Ents lashed out, mainly one named Quickbeam, and killed the poor hobbit.  
  
Reported from Peregrin Took, Brandybuck's companion, the Ents had a large bowl of draught and then began their moot. The hobbits sat off to the side for the beginning eating Cheez-its and playing Yatzhee. However, when the Ent previously described as Quickbeam was leaving the moot (for he was reported to be a "hasty" Ent from other witnesses), a large band of overgrown wallabies began to attack him. Many of the drunk Ents began to attack themselves, thinking they too were insane wallabies. Poor, poor Brandybuck was smushed by the Ent Quickbeam, and that was the end of it.  
  
"Just another example of why we have to keep the wallaby population under control!" said Farmer Maggot, the angry farmer of the Shire. "Serves that hobbit right! *mutter mutter, something about stealing mushrooms, more muttering*"  
  
Peregrin Took, noted as a witness, said he was deeply saddened by his friend's passing. "I had almost beaten him at this round [of Yatzhee]! But oh well...we were almost at the end of the Cheez-its and I really didn't feel like running out. I guess it was all for the best!"  
  
Brandybuck was buried with the wallaby carcasses in a deep delving carved out by enslaved ruffians.  
  
SURGEON HOBBIT'S NOTE: And remember kids, no under-age (or, in this case, over-age) drinking and don't drink and moot! 


	2. Frodo

Bye-bye beloved ringbearer cutieness, but you gotta die somehow. Written as a teen mag. I don't know what's happening in the Legolas department so I'll swoon over who I swoon over! ROTFL.  
  
  
  
THIRD-AGE TEENS reports:  
  
  
RABID RACCOON CAUSES A ROLLING END  
  
It has been rumored and now ultimately reported that the ringbearer, hobbit Frodo Baggins, has met his end. On top of the large, snowy, and scary mountain of Caradhras, Baggins was said to have committed suicide. But why has remained a mystery - until now!  
  
Why has our loved hobbit been layed to rest? Only witnesses will tell! "Seems that he got bitten by something rabid," said Gandalf the renowned wizard. "That's the clearest solution."  
  
Contrary to personal beliefs, it has been proven that Baggins was NOT bitten by rabid wallabies. Sorry to disappoint you. Instead, Baggins was bitten by the Caradhras Coon, a rabid raccoon living on the large, snowy, and scary mountain of Caradhras. The act was seen by Peregrin Took. "This huge raccoon thing came out of the snow and bit [Baggins] on the leg. Ugly-looking thing, it was."  
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck said, "Yeah, [Baggins] started foaming at the mouth. Slightly disturbing. Oh well, I finally got to call him Frotho! That 'ð' is there, really, I swear - it's not a 'd'."  
  
Baggins apparently rolled down the large, snowy, and scary mountain of Caradhras and met his doom, a little too early we might add. He is said to have rammed into Aragorn's (a.k.a. every other name invented) legs, who fell into the snow at impact. Baggins continued rolling down the hill. He is presumed dead.   
  
Now what will happen to the world?  
  
Samwise Gamgee said later, "Damn! I knew I shoulda worried about that raccoon more. They ain't supposed to be the size o' ponies, right?"  
  
Goodbye loved ringbearer, you will be missed! *teenybopper wails, sniffs*  
  
Luv,  
The Teeeeenzuh! 


	3. Pippin

This is based on the National Enquirer. Eheh. Don't take me wrong - I love Pip. All insults in this are just for fun. *huggles Pippy*  
  
  
  
SHIRE INSPIRER reports:  
  
  
WELL, WELL - TOOKLAND DOWN ONE  
  
Reports...reports yes. We are unsure if these sources are reliable but hey, are we REALLY reliable ourselves?  
  
Anywho, it's been said that Peregrin "The Pip-squeak" Took is dead. Seems he managed to start off on this huge "quest" sort of thing (more dirt on that later) but died anyway. What could you expect from that little fart of a Took? Not more than this laugh-it-up story!  
  
Sources say it seems that Tiny Took knocked a skeleton down a well in the deeps of Moria. Lotta clashes and clamour, until a chain hooked onto the little weakling's leg, dragging him down with it. Many curses and "Long live Cheez-its!" were heard during the fall, until a loud ker-plunk reverberated throughout the mines.  
  
"Too bad he couldn't see his own death," said Gimli the dwarf. "He probably would've been one of the witnesses interviewed! Eh. *goes off to chat with the overgrown wallabies*"  
  
More updates soon...we'll get the dirt. Trust us - we're experts. 


	4. Sam

More evilness! Note: The vodka idea comes from one of Anemone's fics. Credit to her on that.  
  
  
  
HOBBITON HERALD reports:  
  
  
VODKA AND GARDENING OBSESSION TURNS FOR THE WORST  
  
It saddens our hearts to report the horrific end to a well-known gardener, Samwise Gamgee. It makes us even more sad to report he also had a drinking problem.  
  
Gamgee was addicted to vodka. One day after a long, long drink at the pub he came to Bag End, his employer's home, and began his gardening duties. A vine ensnared his throat and choked him to death. This has been proven by a band of wallabies watching behind the cover of many trees.  
  
On reports from the Gaffer, the younger Gamgee had almost always had a serious drinking problem. "It all started one night with a party...don' know what happened af'r that."  
  
Gamgee's employer, Frodo Baggins, saw the end of his good friend's death. "In the beginning, I thought [Gamgee] was just puffing out a song," he confessed sadly. "Then I thought he was choking on a Cheez-it Pippin [Took] shoved down his throat, so I ran outside to give Sam the Heimlich. Turns out it was too late! Too bad. He was a good gardener."  
  
Gamgee's funeral will be held tomorrow at Hobbiton Funeral Home. All hobbits, wallabies, and Cheez-its are encouraged to attend. 


	5. Moi!

What goes around comes around. (Thank goodness this fic is fake! *dies*)  
  
  
  
NEW AGE OBITUARIES reports:  
  
  
INSANE AUTHOR FINALLY DIES!  
  
The infamous author, Huskie, has finally been laid to rest. Wow. No more of her crazy stories...*coughYeahRight!cough* Seems she was poked or beaten to death. The body was found in front of a computer at the Hobbiton Internet Café. There were many pock-marks and burns found on the body.  
  
One witness, Peregrin Took, said "She got beaten! Yes yes! *evil laugh*"  
  
Two other witnesses, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Samwise Gamgee both agreed it was death by pointy, firey sticks. But was Huskie beaten or poked?  
  
Frodo Baggins knew the answer. "It seemed like a combination of both. *snicker snicker*"  
  
So far, no suspects have been found, but the witnesses interviewed claimed it was a band of overgrown wallabies. The witnesses interviewed are also to be questioned by the Shirrif.  
  
THE END! 


End file.
